We finally figured out why the Mail Room takes so long to scan in your package

AJ Lawrence, Contributing Writer

Amazing news, everyone! Here at The Bucknellian, we’ve finally found out the answer to one of the student body’s longest-running questions – why does the mailroom take so long to process our packages? Newbie investigator Anne Alysis ’24 has cracked the case after a very long, and somewhat unnecessary, stake out in one of the ceiling vents in the mailroom. 

You may be asking: “So what is the secret process the mail room is keeping under wraps?”. Well, the mailroom staff has simply made a deal with a demon! And it’s not just any demon, either – they’re a specific type that works as an emissary for the Academic Gods, those deities all students fear and pray to for good grades and test results.

Despite our attempts, we were unable to contact the demon for a direct interview. Still, we were able to gather information based on Anne’s notes, which interestingly requested that staff call the demon “Rex.” Despite the staggeringly small amount of information available, we now present to you what we have dubbed “The Probably-Six-Step Official Mail Room Process,” beginning after the package is placed in the hands of this mortifying slow institution.

  1. The staff draws a large circle with a series of images on the floor in the back room. Anne believes these images to be alternating envelopes and wings, but her sketch of the summoning circle looks like it’s filled with feet and the letter M. 
  2. After the circle is completed and finished off with a lovely, sparkly, orange and gold, “fall-scented” candle placed in the middle, the staff burns the slip of paper with the student’s information on it, as well as an offering of failed homework assignments and tests for the Academic Gods; since it’s common knowledge, the Gods feed on the blood and sweat students pour into their work, and later, on the tears, they cry as they fail miserably.
  3. Rex is summoned and given the package waiting to be sent or received if the offering is good enough.
  4. What happens next is not as clear to us since Rex will take the package and disappear for about a day before returning the package to the Mail Room with the word “SAFE” stamped on the top in invisible ink, likely in an attempt to verify the integrity of all packages. 
  5. Finally, the staff takes the student’s package back and sends it off to be shipped or put in a pick-up locker, but not before giving Rex something as a thank you. Anne said it’s mostly more homework, but he did see a failed 3D printing of a Greek statue once, so they probably give Rex anything that has failed. 
  6. The Mail Room staff repeats this process for every single package that they receive.

Knowing that your packages get processed via demon probably isn’t very comforting, but further investigation has found that this is somehow a faster method than if the Mail Room staff used its own equipment; so in the long run, the staff seeking help from Rex is just them trying their best in this modern age. In a way, aren’t we all trying to find our own Rex to help us?

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