Degenerate Student Makes Priest Cry After Confession Following “Most Insane Weekend Ever”

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

The University offers a lot of different services to students, including a variety of amenities for religious and spiritual life. One of these resources is the the chapel confessional, which students of all faiths can visit to fulfill their religious duties.

Obviously, unless you are a devoutly religious person, you might not attend Confession very often. Even the best of us sometimes might not have enough time to attend mass or service as often as we might like, what with college life and all its complications in full swing. My grandma will firmly tell you that I do, in fact, attend 9 a.m. mass every Sunday; however, the truth is that I don’t even really know where the entrance to the chapel is.

This past Tuesday afternoon loud crying was heard coming from the confessionals, and when people went to check it out it appeared to be eliciting from an actual priest, not even a student.

When probed, the priest shared that “I cannot believe that society and our youth, the backbone of our future, is declining so quickly. It is so unfortunate to learn that these budding adults are adopting a ‘do it for the vine’ or a ‘YOLO’ or a ‘full send’ mentality as I learned today, rather than focusing on academic success and personal improvement. Time spent binge drinking and pursuing fleeting meaningless sexual endeavors is time that I wish young adults would invest elsewhere.”

The student in question, who will remain anonymous, offered a hot take after he heard of the priest’s reaction to his ‘bender’ weekend: “The guy just can’t hang, I guess. When I was, like, totally confessing to him, he just kept asking me “Why?” I wanted to be like, bro, you gotta come to a function with us and then you’ll see what it’s like. And when I said that to him, he just started crying and asking me if I asked for forgiveness, and I said sure.”

In all of the University’s years of student-sanctioned shenanigans, this is easily one of the most unique and strangest instances of tomfoolery to transpire. 

When the anonymous student was prompted why he moved the priest to tears, he said “I just wanted to tell someone about my insane weekend. I might’ve done some illegal stuff, sure, but now it’s illegal to share the insane sends from the weekend?” He laughed and continued, “I would’ve been there on Monday if I wasn’t so damn hungover!!!”

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