1 in 3 Bucknellians Get Married, And It Won’t Be Me

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

You’ve all heard the statistic that one in three University students get married… but what exactly does that mean?

Let me start by saying that my parents actually got married and they met at the University. So did my aunt and uncle (but not the relative kind, the family friend kind), and at least 15 other couples they were friends with and are still friends with to this day. 

So I’m well aware of this statistic. But for a long time, I found myself wondering if they meant one in three people will marry another University student, or one in three will get married AT ALL. It doesn’t really affect my situation, since it’s not looking so good for me regardless. That left ring finger is really starting to look like an independent woman who doesn’t need a man. 

“Okay wait, I was under the impression that this statistic meant one in three University students will marry EACH OTHER. You’re telling me that might not be true?! I ’m really counting on getting married to someone… I’m a creative writing major, I can’t survive on my own!!!” Mary Riche ’23 said. After a pregnant pause, she added, “…And obviously because I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I love, but I thought that was implied”.

Marrying rich sounds nice in theory, but I guess you still have to like them at least a little, right?

“People are going to be so mad at us! My boyfriend goes here and we’ve been going out since freshman year, so if it’s true that one in three University students get married at all, we will hopefully be taking up two of those spots! Is it like the parking spot situation where we have to fight to the death for those spots or something?” Rela Shinshipp ’22 said.

Other people are echoing Mary’s and Rela’s sentiments, but a lot of people share my pessimistic outlook on the entire situation. 

“I’m not sure how I’d even find myself in that situation,” Dee Vors ’24 said. What situation? “Oh, just like, getting married in general. I think it’s kinda weird. It’s like, ‘I like you so much that I’m going to make the government aware of it, and then you have to sign stuff saying you like me too.’ I don’t know, it’s just a strange concept.”

“I sort of feel like being married is overrated anyways. What, so now instead of doing my dishes and it being done, I have to do double the dishes and then can’t even pick what I want to watch on Netflix after because someone is yelling at me that I did the dishes wrong? I see that happen enough with my parents, and I have been alive for 22 years and I still don’t get how there’s a wrong way to do the dishes. Yeah, no thanks,” Boris Ring ’22 said.

It’s not for everyone, clearly! Just to clarify, it is one in three University students who will marry each other. And I will not be one of them at this rate!

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