“I Got Legally Adopted By My Big For the Tax Benefits,” says Gamma Apple Pie sophomore

Kyle+Putt

Kyle Putt

Nick DeMarchis, Print Managing Co-Editor

With frequent trips to Bull Run and other reputable “dining establishments” draining student wallets, some Greek students have found a creative way to save a few extra bucks.

Big and Little reveals are always a huge milestone for those who just pledged their sorority, but Gamma Apple Pie has taken the whole “sisterhood” thing to another level. By elevating Bigs and Littles the whole concept of “sisterhood” turns into a mother-daughter relationship.

Gamma Apple Pie has sponsored the program as a way to help pad the wallets of their sorority members, while also ensuring that students don’t have to resort to finding out why the squirrels are so thin.

“I actually like the plan,” sophomore daughter Emily Emilyson added. “The University’s $74,676 Total Comprehensive Cost compounded with sorority dues has been just too much to bear. Now, with this fun and vaguely-legal adoption, I can continue supporting my favorite Lewisburg small businesses, like the Beer Barn and…,” she said, trailing off.

Pennsylvania and federal laws are vague on the legality of such a maneuver. While University tour guides continue to cite the “brothel law” as the reason that sororities can’t have their own houses, the actual laws around big-little adoption are just as clear: meaning they don’t exist.

Asking the IRS for comment, a representative said “While a creative approach, any violators of the law will be prosecuted to the fullest extent possible. Both mommies and their daughters must pay all appropriate taxes.”

The Pennsylvania Department of Revenue responded similarly, saying “It’s like that Little Caesar’s commercial, where the dad says, ‘Nothing is certain in life but death and the $5 HOT-N-READY pizza from Little Caesars,’ and the kid says ‘What about taxes?’ and then the IRS shows up. Kind of like that.”

Union County just responded to our email with the word, “NO,” so we assume last week’s Opinions article about masking in local school districts ruffled their feathers a little bit.

The sorority’s University president, Allie Pallie ’22, defended the new move in a rambling rant on her Snapchat story. “If you really love your sisters, then they should be like moms to you! Literally your mom! We take this seriously, so your sister is going to be your mom! I love my mom but I also love a good sorority mom!” Pallie said. 

Pallie frequently also reposts conservative dog-whistle content on her story, about “backing the blue” and the need for “law and order,” in addition to advertising her sorority sisters exploiting loopholes in the law to avoid additional taxes.

At this time, no lawmakers have expressed interest in preventing bigs from legally adopting their littles, so our weird University family will just be a little weirder from now on.

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