Boy Who Hasn’t Washed His Sheets Since Pre-Covid Thinks Bad Smell in His Room is Due to Mold

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Content Co-Editor

Every week or so, everyone has to perform one of the most difficult, draining, tedious, soul-draining, torturous tasks: laundry. Even women, who some people still think naturally have an ability to do laundry from birth, find laundry to be this awful. They actually disproved this a while ago, but sometimes it’s difficult for people to keep up with the times, I guess.

Regardless, laundry isn’t fun for anyone. College students have always tried to work their way around this time-old dilemma; wearing things twice, saving it for Mom and Dad to wash at home, beating the clothes between two rocks in the Susquehanna, even though it is definitely a health hazard to wear the clothes after being ‘cleansed’ in that water, or forcing a pledge to do it are all on the list.

And doing laundry isn’t an easy task at the University; the archaic machines that scan your student ID so you can pay to do your laundry (because our tuition isn’t expensive enough to cover the $1.25 fee for a wash or dry cycle) require more care and attention than a newborn baby. You have to really be committed to doing your laundry, and be very patient. If you look away for too long, you might miss your chance to push the start button and then have to wait another hour for the screen to load. 

Lucky for us, the state-of-the-art machines rattle SO LOUDLY while washing and drying that it’s almost like an instant alarm once your clothes are done. For me, since I live in the mods, I just wait for the soul-crushingly loud rattling I can hear across the mods stops, and I know to go flip or take out my laundry. It is a foolproof system!

So, even though laundry is no fun at all, the process here at the University is so easy and simple that anyone can do it, even a boy! There’s really no excuse for anyone to have any dirty clothes at any time, actually, because of how primitively uncomplicated the laundry process is. But alas, some people will always let their laundry sit for a little too long. 

“I’ve been hearing a lot going on with all the mold stuff in the dorms,” Lan Dree ’23 said. “I believe I myself am a victim of this moldy business going on, actually. My room smells absolutely rancid, and I actually did a once over of my room this morning to be sure I cleaned up all the half empties and cigs from last weekend, since that could definitely contribute to it.”

Dree’s self awareness at the fact that yes, “half empties and cigs” would make his room smell more is astounding, considering the fact that he neglected to check the edges of his fitted sheet, which were green with grime. An impressive feat, considering the sheets were navy blue.

“Oh, that? I thought they came like that. They’ve looked like that since before COVID! I always shower before I get into bed, so I am always clean in bed. Why on Earth would I wash my CLEAN sheet? What, I guess you’re supposed to wash your TOWELS too? Insanity!” Dree lamented.

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