Breaking! Professors introduce new paper format, forcing students to write in Dr. Seuss rhyme scheme

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

The semester is more than halfway through and professors are always looking for ways to stir the pot. The faculty at the University have determined that midterms didn’t seem to cause as many people to fail as it should have, and what started out as a joke in passing amongst professors quickly became a faculty-wide mandate.

The University announced Monday that all papers would now be written in Seuss Format, which entails the iconic rhyme schemes and unique word choices that remind so many of us of Dr. Seuss’s nostalgic childhood stories. This mandate encompasses all departments, including but not limited to research papers, creative writing, short stories and lab reports. 

“You have no idea how much longer it takes to convert my physics lab report from normal English to Seuss Format,” said Iz Newton 22. “I would argue it is harder to find the words for the rhymes than it is for me to actually solve the complex math problems I have to do for my lab report.”

Most people would argue that a physics lab report isn’t written in ‘normal English’ anyway, but Newton’s grievances are shared by much of the student body.

“Today, I turned in my first Seuss Format assignment for my history class… I had to write that ‘World War II was won by the Allies’ and that ‘Everyone knew Hitler and the Nazis were the bad guys’ and I just really feel like Dr. Seuss is frowning down at me,” shared Terri Buff ’23. 

The student body collectively wrote a short note to the faculty in an attempt to highlight their discontent towards the new writing format:

“We the students wanted to tell you

That this new writing format sucks!

Those of us that enjoy it are few,

And we should really call you guys ducks

(This is an ad hominem attack)

Because you guys are all quacks!”

The University declined to comment except for their official slogan on their website regarding the policy, which read “Seuss Format engages the mind and brain, and we want our students to be well-rounded; that’s our aim!”

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