University cracks down on no-pet policy after discovering “dorm-domesticated” tigers, chickens

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

It goes without saying that most universities, especially in dorms, forbid the loyal companionship provided by a pet. However, this week the University experienced a culture shock when it was revealed that students all across campus had been cohabiting with domesticated animals of all kinds – from chickens to tigers and more.

“My pet bear Bartholomew is a far better roommate than my human one,” Steph Irwin ’23 said. “She leaves messes EVERYWHERE and is constantly breaking things when she is drunk, but Bart? Bart doesn’t drink, or make messes, or yell. He also doesn’t do the dishes, but he eats his raw steaks right from my hand, so it really isn’t extra work for me,” Irwin said.

I have never met a bear that did drink, but then again… I have never met a bear. 

Kay Zee ’22 upped the ante a little more when she was caught housing not one, but two tigers! “They are emotional support animals who make my day a lot less stressful and help reduce anxiety, as well as alleviate symptoms of depression,” Zee said. I don’t know what doctor wrote that note, but I think having to take care of two (potentially hungry) saber-toothed tigers would cause me a lot of stress… and I bet I’d feel pretty depressed if one of them decided to eat my arm.

Other students were caught housing and being friends with a wide variety of animals; someone had an ostrich named Gary in the Gateways (who wore a tie every day), another student had a piranha that would regularly try to jump out of his bowl and bite the ankles of visitors (the owner claimed he was an “extremely skilled and well-trained security piranha”) and one student cried for days after facilities came to dispose of her pet rock. 

In other news, the Animal Behavior Department located their missing monkey, who had taken solace in a corner of one of the downtown party houses, and was called “an absolute legend” by the inhabitants. 

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