Drunk students mistakenly wander into and eat entirety of University farm crops; ruin yield for the season

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

It is relatively common knowledge that the University has a small farm where students and faculty grow organic food for students and promote environmental awareness. Students can volunteer their time preparing the soil for crops and subsequently harvest them.

This weekend, a tragic event took place at the University farm. When one of the student leaders went out to check on the crops Sunday morning after a particularly cold night, she was shocked to find several students sleeping amongst the plants and all of the crops that were to be harvested later this week completely gone.

It took some prying, but it was eventually discovered that the students found at the farm that morning had consumed, in their words, “a few too many brews,” and stopped at the farm on their way home for “some sustenance for the rest of the evenings’ happenings.”

“You have no idea how confused I was when I woke up,” one of the culprits said. “I literally think I need to submit this to Barstool or something… none of my friends believed me when I told them I ate an entire CROP of raspberries by myself. They asked me why I would do that when I’m allergic to raspberries, but in my opinion, allergies are just a mindset. So I did it anyway.”

“Dude, no, my story is way cooler,” interrupted another. “Since I was lying in the field where there were potatoes and my stomach kind of hurts and I woke up face-down in the dirt with a potato in my hand, they said it’s likely I ate ALL of the potatoes! I feel indestructible right now.”

Another one of the culprits was overheard being asked what he did this weekend, and his response was, completely nonchalantly, “I annihilated an entire field of asparagus by myself… what about you?”

Early Monday morning a large, barbed wire fence was constructed around the perimeter of the farm with posted signs detailing directions back to the bar and to campus, and the University sent an email to the student body warning of the dangers of consuming an entire crop of potatoes by yourself. 

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