LEWISBURG, PA—A staggering majority of University seniors have reported feeling “washed up” in their final months on campus. In order to raise awareness of this painful demise of youth, reporters allowed those impacted to share their stories. In an attempt to optimize comfort for the old souls, reporters met them in their natural habitats. 

Like ships passing in the night, Grayson Hare ’22 wistfully gazed at her favorite fraternity’s house as her group of friends, accompanied by a staff writer, continued to reluctantly trudge to the bar. Hare said, “I know all mediocre things must come to an end, but I feel like I didn’t take enough time to really enjoy the little things in the last good days of my life. Soon I’ll be 24 [years old], and then I’ll have nothing left to hope for.”

Ira Levant ’22 was found spending his last day on campus in his dilapidated downtown home, and reported feeling a peripheral pang upon realizing it will no longer be socially acceptable for him to pursue barely-legal adult women for the next 40 years of his life. “They’re just really mature for their age,” Levant defensively explained. “I guess I’ll just have to wait for my three-quarter life crisis to roll around.” 

Similar to Levant, Dee Clining ’22 said the moment really hit her when she became a grandmother—that is, her sorority little also took a little. Fortunately, she is nowhere near becoming a biological mother, let alone grandmother, as she has yet to develop the skills that allow her to be in a relationship exceeding three months or figure out how to boil water. 

These testimonials are sparking vague fears in younger students as the clock is ticking towards the end of their youth, but their concerns quickly subside after realizing worrying is likely what led to the premature wrinkles seen on the faces of their 23-year-old elders.