Student extends formal invitation for University President to attend Christmas Eve dinner at their house

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

The University is abuzz with activity after a student invited the University President to a Christmas Eve dinner at their house an hour away. It is rumored that the invitation was handwritten in perfect script with liquid gold ink and had a hand-stamped wax label to seal the confidential information. 

The rumors were silenced today as the University President came out onto his front lawn, which closely resembled JFK Airport when the Beatles came to America, due to all of the jealous students clamoring for him to come to their houses and addressed the public on this matter. 

“The rumors are true; I will be attending a student’s Christmas Eve dinner by private jet on December 24,” he shared over the screams of hundreds of crying students. All of the Environmental Science majors were surprisingly silent about his choice to fly on a private jet despite the student’s house being only an hour away; I believe they were too overcome with jealousy to realize. 

Classes were canceled the following day to allow for grieving. The Counseling Center was overscheduled and taken aback. 

“It’s weird, they all seem like fake fans to me. All they do is complain about his choices on YikYak and bash him and say he’s the worst, but suddenly everyone loves him and wants him to come to their house? I am wondering if there is a hidden ulterior motive,” Hippa Cryte ‘22 said. 

It is likely that the University President caught wind of this because he released a statement the next day saying that upon further consideration, it would be completely unfair to have him attend only one student’s house for Christmas Eve dinner. To combat the unfairness, he would have a Christmas dinner on the quad the day before finals begin. 

The RSVP sheet is blank so far except for someone named “Jan Braveman,” whoever that is.

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