Mu Variant Discovered, School Braced for more than Bovine Flu

Thao Nguyen, Staff Writer

As universities across the country continue to battle the Omicron variant of COVID-19, an entirely new variant has emerged from around the University – the Mu variant. Spreading via Yik Yak, the Mu variant has many symptoms including voluntarily drinking milk and loud braying about campus food.

We have two percent milk, whole milk, chocolate milk, goat milk, you name it. Who needs all these different types of milk when the average person doesn’t drink a single glass of it? Well, it now seems that milk finally has a purpose for some infected students; they have been drinking it to fulfill their despicable appetite. Our fallen victims of the Mu variant can be seen on the @glassofmilkbucknell Instagram page, where not only are milk drinkers exposed, but others are warned of what it is like to catch the Mu variant. One student with the Mu variant was seen with not one, not two, not three – but seven glasses of the indigestible concoction. Hopefully their toilet makes it out alive. Recording many instances of victims shamelessly chugging down milk like there’s no tomorrow, the account’s vigilant protectors are doing society a favor. 

Mu has also affected an exciting addition to the Bostwick – the smoothie bar. Many students have been anticipating the smoothie bar over winter break and when it finally opened, it had the same amount of people as those who went to see “Spider-Man: No Way Home” on opening weekend. However, the line Mu-ves really slow. With the smoothie bar being fairly new, those who caught the Mu variant are infectiously excited. As one herd of friends would get a table to sit near the bar, so too would another herd of students, and another and another. As one worker goes behind the smoothie bar, a herd would hungrily trot over, causing the workers to repeatedly tell them that they are not open yet. And when students finally get their hooves on the smoothies after waiting in line for hours, not only do they chug it down, they also praise how “udderly” delicious it is.

As it is important to wear masks in buildings, it is also important to not be on Yik Yak as the Mu variant would tempt us to drink milk or to crowd around the smoothie bar area.

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