The GOAT takes Super Bowl 365

Juliette Gaggini, Satire Co-Editor

This past Sunday the Los Angeles Rams faced the Cincinnati Bengals in a fight to the death at the 365th annual Super Bowl. Luckily for the viewers, the halftime show lightened the mood of the vicious battle on the field. But despite what the viewers thought they were watching, this year’s Super Bowl is rumored to have a different, secret winner. 

Unbeknownst to many, Tom Brady actually single-handedly won this year’s Super Bowl. According to some die-hard Patriots fans, seven-time Super Bowl winner Tom Brady benched the whole team and stepped in and played for every single player on the Rams team simultaneously. One Patriots fan claims he saw Brady catch his own throw and score a touchdown. Another fan saw Brady score every single homerun. 

“Seeing Brady shapeshift and play every position was the highlight of the Super Bowl along with seeing 50 Cent upside down attached from the ceiling,” Brady fan Gronk Gronkowski said.

At 44 years old, after 22 seasons in the National Football League, some football fans were skeptical about Brady’s ability to win the whole game himself. A Bengals fan expressed outrage, claiming that Brady’s participation in the Super Bowl was outrageous and unfair. “The Bengals are the best team out there but it’s not fair to pit them against the GOAT. Obviously they didn’t stand a chance,” Harambe said.

Along with the claims about Brady representing the Rams, it turns out that the majority of the Bengals team was composed of the half-time show artists. Snoop Dog stepped in as quarterback and Eminem rode the bench.

Though many extravagant but believable claims were made about various goings-on during and after the Super Bowl, the most viral claim was made by one of the fans in the crowd. Former husband to Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, was seen in the crowd sending threatening messages to his ex-wife’s boyfriend Skete about his Calvin Klein underwear. 

Overall, Super Bowl 365 was a show to remember. After the show, Eminem was nominated for best new artist for his new hit single “Lose Yourself.” The song went viral after the game specifically for the line, “There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.” Along with that good news, the GOAT can hopefully retire.

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