An Update to Macbeth

Aaron Chin, Contributing Writer

Scene Description: a wild west tavern. Macbeth has just killed the former sheriff, Sheriff Duncan. Macbeth, now the new sheriff, is on the hunt for Macduff, a wanted outlaw with a $1000 bounty on his head and who has vowed to kill Macbeth. Macbeth is buying a gun.

Enter Sheriff Macbeth, Lady Macbeth, and a bartender. The bartender places a gun on the table in front of Macbeth.

 

Bartender: You ever fire a gun before?

Macbeth: Of course I have, good sir. I have the sharpest shot in all the land.

Bartender: What kind of gun do you shoot, sheriff?

Macbeth: A Colt, good sir.

Bartender: What did it shoot?

Lady Macbeth: Bullets.

Macbeth: .32s

Bartender: A Colt shoots .22s.

Macbeth rises from his chair and grabs the bartender by his throat, choking him.

Macbeth: A Colt shoots .32s. I should know since I’ve got the sharpest aim in all the land!

Macbeth slams the bartender’s head against the table, knocking him unconscious. 

Lady Macbeth: Excellent work, honey, we don’t need pointless lads like him dragging us down.

Macbeth grabs the gun from the table. 

Lady Macbeth: I’m hungry. Let’s go kill some wild buffalo and eat it raw, skin and all.

Macbeth: Excellent. Simply an excellent suggestion.

Enter Macduff.

Macduff: Well, if it ain’t the barbaric Macbeth and his dimwit wife, the buffalo eater.

Macbeth: Now you look familiar, but let’s have you make an introduction just so I can see if you are at all capable of talking proper grammar, good sir.

Macduff: You just happened to kill my whole family, so if you don’t know my name then you really do deserve the term, “barbaric Macbeth.” But I’m a kind gentleman, so I will say that I am Macduff from the town of Valentine, up north.

Macbeth: Now I ain’t heard of no “town of Valentine, up north,” so why don’t you tell me more about it?

Macduff: The town is full of anthracite mines, which I happen to run. 

Macbeth: Now, how on Earth would I get to these so-called anthracite mines?

Macduff: Take the train on the east-west mainline.

Macbeth: Now, you say that these mines are in Valentine, up north, and yet you tell me to take the east-west train. Why can’t you talk proper geography to me, good sir?

Macduff: Are you questioning my intelligence?

Lady Macbeth: We are not questioning your intelligence; we are just simply stating basic geographical facts.

Macbeth: My pretty wife is far too nice, for I am questioning your intelligence.

Macduff and Macbeth draw their guns simultaneously. Before they can shoot, they are both shot by the bartender.

Bartender, wielding his rifle in the air: There shall be no violence in this establishment!

Macduff: No more anthracene for me.

He dies.

Lady Macbeth, to Macbeth: You always were so terrible to me.

She spits in his face.

Lady Macbeth takes Macbeth’s gun and shoots him. He dies.

 

THE END

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