Satire: Witnesses see Edward Snowden captured by SWAT Team during Tuesday night talk

Siobhan Nerz, Contributing Writer

Edward Snowden was a government employee who became famous in 2013 when he sought action against the National Security Agency (NSA) for allegedly using their spy technology domestically, without the knowledge of citizens. In response to this lack of transparency, Snowden released thousands of government documents to the public. After revealing this previously secret information, Snowden fled to Hong Kong and later received asylum in Russia to escape repercussions from the U.S. government. Despite the risk of being caught by American authorities, Snowden agreed to speak at the University via Zoom last Tuesday. Although Snowden was initially excited to speak to the University, which he may have mistaken for the more famous institution of Cornell University, he ultimately regretted accepting the offer because of the disastrous events that followed shortly after.

While many students and faculty crowded in Trout auditorium on Tuesday to watch the live zoom, Snowden sat at his desk in Russia and his image was projected on a huge screen. Due to the blown-up image of Snowden’s face, many students couldn’t control their laughter when they spotted leafy leftovers between his two front teeth. Thus, although the topic of the night was supposed to be digital surveillance culture, many students chose to focus more on spreading the hashtag #eddie_eats on social media. Unfortunately, the government’s spying technologies, which Snowden sought to expose back in 2013, picked up the hashtag. As a result, three people dressed as Bucky the Bison, who have now been confirmed to be government officials, burst into Trout auditorium and started vigorously typing on the computer that connected Snowden to the projector. Although one would suspect the sudden entrance of the bison to cause chaos, the students and faculty in the auditorium didn’t stop the intruders as many thought they were experiencing hallucinations caused by mid-semester burnout. 

Moreover, after minutes of hacking, the bison finished their work and ran out of the auditorium. Then, in real-time, audience members witnessed five men enter Snowden’s hideout in Russia. One may have expected Snowden to notice people approaching him from behind because his laptop camera would show his immediate surroundings. However, it seems that Snowden too found the lettuce between his teeth and was too preoccupied with romaine to notice the heavily armed men behind him. After a nail-biting two minutes of a heavily-trained SWAT team tiptoeing closer to Snowden’s chair, they finally seized him. Overall, the University students in the auditorium found the talk shocking and convincing as they witnessed the real-life repercussions of domestic digital surveillance. However, many agree that the more important lesson from the night is to clean your teeth before appearing in front of a crowd of college students.

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