Mask-fishing epidemic sparks campus-wide protests

Kieran Calderwood, Contributing Writer

It turns out the girl sitting next to me in Econ 101 has two noses.

Yup, I’ve had a crush on her for the past year and just found this out. This whole time I’ve been looking at those beautiful green eyes thinking she was the most irresistible thing on campus. I saw her without a mask for the first time in class this past Monday expecting my dreams to come to life, but instead my jaw dropped, and not in a good way. I’m just another victim of the halo effect. Her eyes are gorgeous, so why wouldn’t the rest of her face be gorgeous too? 

According to Google, “Mask-fishing is another form of catfishing. It’s when you look better wearing a mask than you would without it.” 

It turns out that I’m not the only one who has been mask-fished. This past week, a group of good-looking students banded together in efforts to get mask guidelines reinstated on campus, as they’ve grown tired of the ugly faces in their classes. The group, known as Alpha Delta Omicron, have been leaving masks across campus in efforts to cover up the ugliness. 

As tensions on campus rise inexorably, the words “MASK UP OR PACK UP” can be found written in chalk on the Malesardi Quad. It’s strange that this has become an issue here at the University, seeing as we’re home to the “third-hottest student body in the nation” (MyPlan.com, College Rankings), although to be fair, back in 2020 we were ranked second, so it seems our beauty is dwindling and the nation has noticed.

We tried to get an interview with University President Johnny Bravo to ask what he plans to do to ease students’ frustration, but his assistant informed us he was booked solid through May of 2035. Later that day, however, the 6’7” University president was seen repeatedly attempting—and failing—to touch the rim of a basketball hoop. Clearly, Mr. Bravo has more free time than he claims.

In a recent interview, one of the ADO students—who wore a full-face mask the entire time, thus maintaining anonymity—said, “We’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray, and flat-out deceived! Johnny Bravo, we demand that you cover up the hideous atrocity you call your students,” and promptly burst into tears. Looking at their beautiful green eyes I got flashbacks of my former crush and I had to cut the interview short, just like this satire piece.

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