Boring! Ken Burns’ newest Ben Franklin documentary uses time-travel to change nothing about history

Aaron Chin, Contributing Writer

Time travel is a tricky subject. It’s one of those things that might seem familiar on the surface, but is actually innumerably complex. This is because no one can really know the rules of time travel. If you’re a scientist, you could spend years and years of research on time travel and not figure anything out. If you’re “Avengers: Endgame,” you’ll spend a few minutes devising the rules for time travel in order for the plot of your movie to work. 

Despite the confusing science, an unexpected figure has emerged as a leading figure in time travel: world-renowned documentary filmmaker, Kenneth Burns. Kenneth “Ken” Burns has recently shot a new documentary on Ben Franklin that was released on April 4 and April 5 in multiple parts. 

We all know the story of Ben Franklin, one of the most influential figures in American history. However, eagle-eyed viewers of the documentary noticed a strange sight during a particular scene in the documentary. When the documentary covered the American Revolution, there was a shot of John Trumbull’s famous painting, “The Battle at Bunker Hill.” When a viewer, who wishes to be anonymous, accidentally paused the movie because he sat on the remote after he got a bag of Cheetos, they reported to have seen what appeared to be the figure of Ken Burns himself in the background, taking a pee. While this has absolutely no impact on history whatsoever, we decided to pursue this case further. 

“I just saw him there,” the anonymous viewer said. “I almost **** my pants, too.”

When our investigative reporters reached out to Burns for comment, he declined.

Upon further investigation, we found some other observations that are… strange. For instance, when they showed a portrait of Ben Franklin, one viewer swore they saw the words “I’m vengeance” written onto Franklin’s clothes, which is fascinating due to last week’s rumors of the University President’s identity with the Batman. Now, whether Ben Franklin is the Batman remains to be seen. 

Burns’ next documentary, “Peeing Across Time” is set to release next fall.

“It’s unrelated,” Burns said.

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