Bucky the Bison goes undercover to investigate reports of laxatives in Caf food

Kieran Calderwood, Contributing Writer

This past Wednesday, our lord and savior Bucky the Bison went deep undercover to investigate claims of a heinous atrocity: laxatives in the caf food. Never in the 176 years since our magnificent university was founded has the campus seen such serious accusations.

Bucky has lived a long and fulfilling life. In his one-hundred and seventy-six years at the University, he has had the opportunity to complete all sixty-eight majors and seventy-one minors offered at the school. These days, Bucky can usually be found traveling the seven continents and using his vast knowledge to help solve utilitarian problems such as world hunger, melting ice caps, forest fires and Will Smith’s troubled marriage with Jada Pinkett Smith. 

Fortunately for all students, Bucky had recently been made aware of the caf food crisis after overhearing the following conversation between two freshmen:

“Bro, I couldn’t walk straight after that caf food we had yesterday.” 

“I know, man. I broke the toilet in my dorm. I can’t eat there anymore.”

“Facts, bro. I spent half of today’s class blowing up the bathroom in AC West. Enough is enough.”

Bucky, an empath, felt the students’ pain and knew what had to be done: he had no choice but to infiltrate the caf’s workforce. To get in character, he shaved his beautiful fur coat, lost his sense of hearing, acquired a tobacco addiction and donned the classic black apron and hat that just never go out of style. 

The job was easy to get, Bucky found, as the University does not do any background checks, barely glances at resumés and requires no prior experience. 

After working in the caf for a week, however, Bucky had found no evidence of laxatives. The only thing he discovered was how rude the students were to the caf workers. He had served 1,269 meals without receiving a single word or gesture of appreciation. 

One lonely Saturday night, however, Bucky learned the truth about the caf food. He finally tried it for himself and immediately realized that no foul play was needed to produce the reported effect…

 the food did the job all on its own.

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