This past Sunday practicing Christians celebrated Easter, a holiday rivaled only by Mike the Headless Chicken Day and Halloween as the most eccentric, egg-centric holiday of the year. Many students rejoiced over the pivotal holiday in the Christian calendar, coinciding with Passover, which is celebrated in the same week. But it’s time to move on to the secular variant of the holiday, not to mention the strange idea of a rabbit laying down eggs. 

The University celebrated Easter in the only way they knew how: an Easter egg hunt, as if brightly-colored plastic eggs don’t stand out against dull foliage. Nevertheless, this didn’t stop some misguided, mischievous seniors from emptying a few beforehand and replacing their candy-filled interiors with surprises of their own. No, it wasn’t the classic snake-in-a-peanut-can trick, but with real snakes. To celebrate school spirit, seniors set up eggs with real bison hair inside. While there was some kind of environmental message made with this display, the ecological underpinnings were quickly ignored in favor of shouts of:

“Ew! What is this stuff?”

One student, Snerdly Wiggins IV, had this to say about his egg-hunting experience. “Man, you have no idea how fierce the competition was. I had about 17 scrapes and wounded another five people before I got my hands on an egg. When I opened it up, you know what popped out? Some hair and a stupid pamphlet! ‘Save the Bison’ or whatever. It made me want to grab a hunting rifle as soon as I saw it. Worst campaign ever!”

Needless to say, this Easter egg debacle eggs-acerbated the tensions between humans and animals greatly, despite the fact that humans were the ones who planned and ruined the event. However, as a result of this hunt, students have reported an 87 percent decrease in the squirrel population, which is an unquestionable blessing upon the Lewisburg population. One can only assume that hunting season, usually reserved for the fall, has begun five months earlier than expected.