Gladiatorial games to determine Brent Papson’s successor

Hayley Leopold , Contributing Writer


Although Brent Papson thoroughly enjoyed his time at Bucknell, last April Fools he decided to step down from his position as the Director of Campus Activities and Student Media to pursue a career in spray cheese production management. 

When news of his eventual departure leaked on YikYak, dozens of hopeful students swarmed his front lawn in hopes of being chosen as his replacement.

Papson knew that not just anybody could fulfill all that his role entails. In his most recent email to the student body, there was a new event advertised underneath Goat Yoga: BrentBattle. 

“May the last one standing be crowned as my successor – competition this Friday,” the description read. Needless to say, this one-night event was quite the extravaganza.

In a recent interview with The Bucknellian, Papson explained that each competition within BrentBattle called upon different skills required to successfully perform his job.

In his emails, Papson often referenced the rain dances that he performs to ward off unfavorable weather conditions. When forecasts predict excess humidity, his dances are exceptionally effective in rerouting the sticky, moist air from the quad directly to Fiji. 

This, Papson shared, is what inspired the first event of BrentBattle. The gladiators competed head-to-head in a series of dance battles to show who was most capable of recreating his routines. They were judged based on their style, song choice, and overall vibe exuded. 

Papson is also renowned for his astute memory — has he ever neglected to mention a campus event in his weekly emails? Absolutely not! Because of this, it is vital that his replacement be someone who matches his memory strength. 

Brent shared that the next event required competitors to accompany the crew team into the depths of the Susquehanna River. The rowers presented them with a series of phrases to memorize in thirty seconds. If the competitor failed to seamlessly recount each phrase, they were projected off the side of the boat and left to fend for themselves.

Those who remained advanced to the final showdown; this last test truly proved who was fit to adopt the role. Papson’s PR agent requested that The Bucknellian neglect to disclose further details regarding the final event in order to motivate you to buy the DVD recording for answers. What can be shared, however, is that this final game involved a chess board, six pool noodles, and an assortment of slightly-molded croutons from Bostwick.

Who was crowned the BrentBattle victor and Mr. Papson’s protégé? Find out yourself by purchasing the DVD recording of the entire event! All profits from the DVD sales will be used to fund Brent’s first collection of aerosol pseudo-dairy products. If you need to save your money for the Bison, don’t fret! Just be patient, and you will know Papson’s replacement soon enough. 

Congratulations to the new Brent Papson Jr., and to Brent, Bucknell bids you farewell!

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