Hypochondriacs loot new COVID vending machine

Max Bean, Satire Content Editor

Recently, the upper echelons of the University blessed the students with a vending machine which deposited COVID tests (or as some may know it, the covinding machine). Each student was allowed two per week, and for the first few minutes after it opened, all was peaceful. Then the hypochondriacs attacked. 

Within moments, the machine was empty. Although the two-per-student allowance was a courtesy, these courtesies meant nothing when life and limb was endangered! And as such, the machine was forced to drop the tests at such a rate that it nearly shut down. Even then, the machine was so slow that an entire row of tests would cost an arduous 75 seconds. 

Hypochondria symptoms could range from the occasional sneeze to a bad temper, but either way it’s probably COVID, and the best way to check was to get tested. This constant demand was only exacerbated by the mask mandate enacted a week or so prior. The notion that anyone or anything, no matter if it were a student, teacher, squirrel or questionable burger patty could be infected with COVID was enough to drive people to madness. Clearly, the vending machine was not enough. 

Thankfully for the student population, however, the University has put out a statement on the matter. Dean of Medicine and Pathology Hackett Kauff recently made this speech at a sparsely-attended seminar on sickness and wellness.

“My fellow students, we see your actions, and how COVID still poses a threat to us in our waking life. Even the COVID vending machine is empty, which indicates such a high demand for tests. It is for these reasons that I am proposing to enact a universal mask mandate throughout the rest of the school year.”

The correspondent who attended this event reported that only one person, one who had at least five COVID tests in his hands, clapped at this statement. Eventually the university settled on a more cost-effective solution to their test-theft; this time they made the covinding machine cost money!

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