The best phone notification is not the “I loaded more dining dollars into your account” text from your mom or even that  “Good morning :)” snap from you-know-who. Rather, everybody knows that the ultimate message is the one that notifies you that your package is ready to be picked up.

On a particularly rainy Lewisburg morning, Ben Benson ’23 received just that notification. He retrieved his package, and excitement surged through his body while he examined what was inside: a shiny plaque with his name engraved into the wood.

“Congratulations!” an accompanying letter read, “You have been awarded the President’s Award for Distinguished Academic Achievement.” Per the course catalog, “The President’s Award for Distinguished Academic Achievement is awarded annually to those students who demonstrate the highest level of academic achievement by attaining a cumulative GPA of 4.00 on a scale of 4.00.” Beaming with pride, Benson immediately added this under the Awards/Achievements section of his LinkedIn page and called his parents with the good news. 

There was just one catch: Benson did not have a 4.00 GPA. This is something he realized after receiving an email from the registrar’s office notifying him that they accidentally sent him the award since he did not fit the criteria. 

This case is not unique; the University sent physical awards to dozens of students who did not have the necessary qualifications. Mortified, Benson refuses to tell his parents the truth or remove the description from his LinkedIn profile. 

The registrar’s office is aware that students may be reluctant to turn over their awards, so they have employed PSafe’s help to break into student dorms and steal back the flawed plaques. Over just three nights, they managed to recover over thirty plaques from unsuspecting students’ rooms. 

PSafe officers have received bitter backlash from the students whose rooms they raided. Benson reported, “How am I supposed to feel safe in my dorm when the thieves are the ones who are supposed to be protecting us?”

His roommate Dan Danson added, “I get stealing the award, but they could have left the Tito’s.”

Students have taken advantage of the turmoil. With PSafe busy breaking into dorm rooms, frats were able to stay open later than they ever have before, achieving a record-shattering closing time of 12:40 a.m. this past Saturday.

It is rumored that PSafe will be conducting a second round of heists to reclaim the rest of the plaques. If you or a friend wish to retain your now-illegitimate awards, simply pull the fire alarm to distract PSafe from their mission.