While the phrase “fish are friends, not food” has been around since “Finding Nemo,” nobody expected it to go this far. On Oct. 11, when students were just arriving back to the university after an all-too-short Fall break, the University quietly brought in a speaker from the group known as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). 

While this group has been in the news for many things, such as encouraging people to use animal-friendly language (beat a dead horse vs. feed a fed horse), advising against consuming dairy and euthanizing pets, the speaker on-campus made a staggering suggestion: Instead of eating animal meat, try human meat instead. 

Now, while this may seem shocking, it should be noted as well that speaker Lārs DaMeet suggested bugs and plants too as healthy alternatives. However, since human meat is the most shocking thing he mentioned, that’s in the title. The point of his talk was that consuming living, breathing, beautiful animals was a mistake in human engineering, and that as a community, humanity should pursue other forms of sustenance.

“Let’s be honest,” Lārs said. “Big Meat tortures and kills animals all the time. It’s an awful industry that needs some serious change, and since we believe animals have the same value as humans, it’s about time we start varying our diet.” Naturally, he had a few suggestions for the audience.

The recipes he brought up were all fairly standard, since everyone was assured that plants, bugs, fetuses, or cadavers don’t really feel anything like animals do. Recipes like cricket-brûlèe, fried lice, beetle-bubble tea, baked beans, kidney pie, cuisses du homme and even Impossible Burgers provide vital nutrients that don’t need to come from normal, meat-sustaining animals. Plus as it turns out, these options are environmentally friendly, too!

Not only do these suggested alternatives reduce the risk of overpopulation, but they also release less carbon into the atmosphere too. Both of these are vitally important for solving the climate crisis at hand as well, which strikes two birds with one—Ahem, which feeds two birds with one scone. 

The satire section formally apologizes for this speciesist slip-up. We hope to be better in the future.