Biden announces ‘24 run, pundits expect it to be a slow jog

Amanda Maltin, Opinions Section Co-Editor

WASHINGTON–The midterms aren’t the only upcoming elections on peoples’ minds.  As the presidential primaries near, Democrats and Republicans are racing to select potential nominees.  The Republican party seems to favor up and coming party leaders like Governor Ron DeSantis and Madison Cawthorn, but, until recently, the Democratic party had not disclosed who they felt would be a suitable contender to win the primary and subsequent general election come next year. 

An excited spokesperson for the Biden administration announced that Biden is planning on running for re-election in 2024.  Skeptical pundits expect that this will be more like a slow jog.  The American public honestly just hopes he remembers to tie his sneakers. 

On Thursday, the Biden administration held a press conference in the Rose Garden in order to share this interesting development.  Press Secretary Jen Psaki exclaimed that Biden is “extremely excited to underwhelm the American public for another four years” if he is given the opportunity to serve a second term.  Unfortunately, President Biden could not be in attendance, as he was attending the silver sneakers exercise class at the Capital View YMCA.  

Our reporters were able to catch up with the president for comment later in the day at the unveiling of a new monument at the National Mall. When asked about his plans to run for re-election, Biden responded, “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

Fox News host Jesse Watters enthusiastically offered his opinion on the subject on air late Thursday. “This is just another example of Joe Biden’s mental incompetence due to his age,” he lamented, “we can’t endure another four years under this old man.”  We followed up with Watters to see if he would be willing to elaborate on his view.

Watters explained, “Joe Biden isn’t the only old person I hate. I take ageism very seriously in my life. It’s one of my favorite ‘isms’. It’s the whole reason I left my wife to marry someone 15 years younger than me.  The American public should do the same.”

We will have more on the story if President Biden is able to hear our questions at the next press conference.

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