Candy theft sparks frat war

Kieran Calderwood, Staff Writer

If you happened to see a young man covered in fake blood at “Saturday Super,” there’s a good chance that the blood was more real than you think.

This past weekend, while the good people of Lewisburg were trick-or-treating and the students of Bucknell were dressing up in outlandish costumes, a war was raging. Under the large nose of President John B., the seven fraternities were tearing one another apart.

Like many wars, it all started with a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. The honorable men of Chi Phi were hard at work decorating their humble frat house when they realized that their stock of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups was low. Checking their balance sheets, they noticed that several candy bags had gone missing. There could be only one explanation: another fraternity had made off with their scrumptious chocolate-covered peanut delights. 

As they interrogated representatives of neighboring houses, the Chi Phi men encountered similarly outraged factions. Members of all seven fraternities claimed to have had candy stolen on Friday night. 

No one was owning up to the theft, so everyone’s hands seemed red. The fraternity men of Bucknell are men of action, and none of them could let this egregious crime go unpunished. 

Complete and utter chaos ensued. Anarchy reigned. It was a dogfight among seven dog packs. While calmer students were doing keg stands at one o’clock on Saturday afternoon, the campus’s male friendship groups waged fierce and bitter combat.

At first, the good men of Fiji seemed to emerge victorious. It wasn’t a fair fight, as they were arrayed in their notorious “Fiji Camo” and blended into the fall colors that have spread throughout Lewisburg. Fiji moved swiftly, taking down one frat after another, using their recently polished golf clubs to lay low any man in their way.

Unbeknownst to all, DU, who was kicked off campus a year ago, had returned this Halloween to haunt the seven fraternities as the Ghost of Christmas Past. (Yes, it’s officially Christmas season as of Nov. 1. Cue the carols.) 

DU, who had been underground throughout the semester, rose up from the mud and overwhelmed Fiji without breaking a sweat. It was they who had originally taken the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups from Chi Phi and the other six fraternities. They knew that the ensuing war would reduce the seven houses to a single exhausted survivor who they could easily vanquish.   

All of the ensuing charges, hospital reports and casualty counts can be found on the forty-second page of the “Message Center Digest” which is conveniently sent out at 1:08 a.m. when everyone is most alert and ready to receive emails from Bucknell.

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