1955 Time Traveler’s Dystopia: Cursive Nonexistent

AJ Lawrence, Senior Writer

BREAKING NEWS: Time traveler from 1955 sighted on campus! 

With Thanksgiving break and the end of the semester quickly approaching, many students ignore what’s going on around them in order to focus on finishing projects and studying.

And because of that “if it won’t help my grades, it’s not important” attitude, many students were willing to overlook the loud high pitched ringing and low-level earthquake-like tremors that came from the basement of Dana Engineering on Tuesday. 

It wasn’t until some professors investigated out of curiosity that they found a quite nerdy, academic-looking man standing in one of the labs, a strange rusty spherical contraption smoking behind him, raving about how “his machine worked” and continuously asking what year it was.

Upon being told that it was 2022, the man reportedly jumped up in excitement, proclaiming, “Hot dog! I’ve really done it!” 

After further questioning from the professors, it was found that the time travelers’ name is Randal Chronus and he graduated from Bucknell in 1954. When asked what he and his contraption were doing in Dana, he pronounced that he had successfully built a time travel machine.

He explained that he was working on a time travel device as a graduate project in 1955 and that if this was 2022, it must have worked. School records confirmed his claims, showing that he disappeared that exact day in 1955, along with the classified project he was working on. 

Word had gotten around campus by then about a supposed time traveler, so we here at The Bucknellian wanted to go out and interview him ourselves. Randal agreed to an interview as long as we answered his, so we started an impromptu tour of campus, pointing out newer additions and students favorite places like the quad and the Flying Bison, the name of which fully made him stop and ask, “by golly, Bison can fly now?”

All the while, Randal was explaining his time travel experience and how the machine itself worked, mostly using lots of science mumbo jumbo none of our reporters could understand. 

Everything was swell and he was enjoying our “futuristic campus,” until the library and he saw all the students either using their computers or writing by hand in print. He asked a student if she was working on personal notes for a class but she explained that it was a homework assignment.

“Why is it not in cursive?” he asked. The student’s response was, “Bro, nobody uses cursive anymore.”

Which is true, at most professors or fancy students do a half-cursive calligraphy thing to be fancy. Still this information seemed to bother Randal quite a lot, as he started to shout in the middle of Bertrand, ranting that cursive is the only correct font for hand written assignments and that any other form is barbaric.

Randal proceeded to dramatically storm out of the library, declaring that he was leaving this wretched time period, only to be stuck due to problems with his machine.

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