Like it or not, everybody knows “Seinfeld,” even if they haven’t seen it. That’s why it’s so egregious that few people who are attending the Festivus tonight will understand its true meaning. It isn’t meant as just another religiously-neutral lukewarm event that’s used to not offend anybody, but as an exploration into the anti-commercialism of the Christmas season.

Despite the rich history of Festivus formally beginning with Season 9 Episode 10 of the Seinfeld series in 1997, local Bucknellians had no knowledge of their cultural roots when asked in the middle of the ELC plaza. Most of the answers received were along the lines of “Why are you in front of the printer?” and “Move out of the way already!”, but thankfully, the pollsters involved in asking 2022 adults about a TV show from the 90s were very, very, determined to get an answer. 

“Seinfeld?” One desperate student asked. “That’s the one with the friends all living in the flat together, I loved Ross and Rachel in that! Especially The One With The…ahh, I forgot what it was called, give me a second!” This person ended up wandering off, having gotten a text on her phone about the next season of Euphoria.

“Nah,” said another. “’Curb Your Enthusiasm’ is pretty good though. Have you seen the one with the election? It’s a classic!” 

Needless to say, this left those who knew the true meaning of Festivus very distressed (aside from all of the distracting tinsel). This is nothing to say of the lack of grievance-airing or strength-showing, but if Uptown really wanted to nail Festivus, they would have duly included each of those things. A reverse Valentine’s Day card, for instance. Here is an excellent example of the Festivus spirit:

“Dear so-and-so, I take great offense to your constant whining. My grievances with you are made plenty by your many, many flaws, starting with then you stole my ham sandwich in middle school.”

This is a holiday everyone can get into, because if there’s anything the student body likes to do, it’s complain about Bucknell, regardless of whether or not those claims are legitimate.