Fraudulent Dean’s List issued by frustrated students that didn’t make the cut

Aaron Chin, Satire Co-Editor

Let’s face it, thriving at an academically rigorous institution can be tough. Students constantly face immense pressure to perform well in school, whether from their friends and family or from themselves. If a student receives a C on a test or 60 percent on a quiz, it can be enough to ruin their day. 

One achievement benchmark that is highly coveted by the students here is the ever-glamorous Dean’s List, a list of students recognized each semester for their high academic achievements. Specifically, the students on the Dean’s List must achieve a GPA of at least 3.5 for the semester.

This past semester, hundreds of talented students were able to make the Dean’s List. However, there were many students who felt that they were worthy but didn’t quite make the cut.

One such student was named Dean, a sophomore student who got 3.4 GPA and was ultimately snubbed from the Dean’s List. This crushed Dean, who reported, “I really just wanted to make my family proud. They really expected me to make the Dean’s List this semester.”

This got Dean thinking. Was there any way to make the students who did not make the Dean’s List feel proud of themselves and of their accomplishments? Or, rather, is there any way to showcase these students’ academic achievements?

Last week, Dean published his own version of the Dean’s List on his website called “Dean’s List,” which recognizes students who performed well academically, but did not make the official Dean’s List. Specifically, he accepted students with GPAs between 3.1 and 3.4 which totaled nearly half of the students on campus. 

This skyrocketed Dean to popularity, as many students now herald Dean as a local hero; his latest post on Fizz has 3,000 likes, and he’s constantly surrounded by a crowded paparazzi. Several students reported that they now feel heard thanks to Dean. One student even put that they made “Dean’s List” on their resume, and it has since landed them a job at a high-end engineering firm.

One student also said, “I take so many difficult classes and participate in so many clubs and extracurriculars that I only have two hours left in the day to spare for sleep and studying. Obviously, I’ll choose to sleep and won’t have time to make the actual Dean’s List this semester, and that’s why I’m so grateful for Dean’s List!”

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