Librarians infuriated with students fighting over study rooms, so they booked them all themselves

Aaron Chin, Satire Co-Editor

When it comes to study options, it’s no secret that Bucknell University has many to choose from. From the Carnegie Library to the Hildreth Mirza Great Room that some students can’t even access, Bucknell really tries to help its students study in the best ways possible. Some of the most popular study options are the study rooms that students can book in the Bertrand Library. 

Bertrand Library has many study spaces that students can reserve online. All you have to do is go to the library’s website, click on “Study Rooms,” and follow these simple directions: turn on location services to prove that you are in the library, allow the website to access your phone’s fitness app so it knows you are walking to the library and submit a selfie for photo identification approval.

It’s so convenient, but some students simply can’t be bothered to book the study rooms before using them. This has created conflict, as students who reserve rooms often have to kick out students who did not. The conflict has escalated quickly, as several students have taken to fist fighting and rioting over their study rooms.

Bertrand’s librarians did their best to address this serious problem for the students. Their solution: book all the study rooms themselves. 

“If there are no more study rooms to book,” library manager Booker Room said, “then there are no more rooms to fight over. We need these imbeciles to just get out of our hair.”

And minimize conflict they did, as Bertrand’s employees put the study rooms to some unorthodox uses. In one study room called the “Teahouse Room,” the librarians have taken to hosting relaxing British tea parties. There was even one time when world famous British actors Daniel Radcliffe, Daniel Craig and Daniel Day-Lewis claimed that “it reminded them of home,” when Bertrand Library hosted a “Famous British Actors Named Daniel Day.” Frida Kahlo and Mark Rothko even visited the Kahlo Room and the Rothko Room.

This tactic did not work for long. Several Bertrand Library employees used the Picasso room to try and sell random drawings of rectangles and circles as authentic Picasso paintings. Some employees also started selling their reservations and made profits out of this – reservations for the Rothko Room went for as much as $100 dollars, while the Fallingwater Room went for almost $1,000. This came to an end when one student named Cat Fisher hacked into the library’s website and discovered their underground operation. Needless to say, Bucknell put a stop to this and has reinstated the old booking system.

We’re hoping that the reservation system will hold up. How will Bucknell react? Will they try to implement another system? We will certainly keep you all updated as new developments unfold. Until then, I must leave it here; my study room reservation just ended, and someone is coming to kick me out.

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