The rise of Bucknell’s newest frat: SPIJI

Hayley Leopold, Satire Co-Editor

Here at Bucknell, it’s a well-known fact that Greek life dominates students’ social lives; 70 percent of students here are in a sorority or fraternity, so membership in Greek organizations has become critical for anyone who wants to be allowed into a party before 11:30 p.m. With seven frats and nine sororities, members of each group are constantly bickering about who is the top dog.

Since sororities don’t have houses, their disputes remain contained within Hunt Hall. This is not the case for frats. These groups’ disputes pervade the whole school, stretching from the on-campus chapter houses all the way down St. Cats. Every frat wants to believe that they are the best; the two frats that are the most adamant in their narcissistic views are Fiji and Spe.

Fiji president Mick C. claims, “Spe doesn’t know how to swim.”

To refute this, Spe president Rummin Coak says, “Fiji is allergic to peanuts.”

Which is worse: not being able to stay afloat in water, or having to ask somebody if they’ve eaten any legumes within the last 24 hours before making out? Regardless, the ongoing fighting between Fiji and Spe has decreased both of their popularities, with DU rising to the top of the fraternal hierarchy in their place. Neither Fiji nor Spe would allow this! The two groups decided to end their ongoing feud to found one super-frat that would surely attract the most people.

Thus, Bucknell’s newest frat, Spiji, was born! That’s right, purple pillars and fishbowl have joined forces to guarantee their campus-wide domination. Their first pledge class will be initiated in Fall 2023, and those who decide to rush will have to endure hazing from both groups.

In the meantime, Fiji and Spe have abandoned their usual mixing schedule to exclusively hold mixers with one another rather than the sororities. This is meant to foster relationships between the once-enemies turned brothers. You may be wondering, which downtown house will Spiji claim, purple pillars or fishbowl?

Fishbowl would certainly be large enough to accommodate the group’s anticipated large size, except all of its risers are broken and these would be expensive to replace. Also, the blue and red paint that has stained their walls since SpeAmerica is quite the eyesore! On the other hand, Fiji has a mostly intact house, except they mysteriously have a small number of girls attending their parties there.

To solve this debate, Spiji has decided to host its parties in the Hufnagle Park Gazebo. The first mixer at the shared house was electric, to say the least.

If you’re a current first-year guy scoping out potential frats for next year, make sure Spiji is on your radar!

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