Bucknellians pay overachieving high schoolers to take their exams

Hayley Leopold, Satire Co-Editor

With midterm season officially here, Bucknell students are scrambling to catch up in their classes they’ve been ditching all semester. Ever since the university announced its optional attendance policy, classrooms have been more deserted than Bucknell’s student section at athletic events. Students’ absences finally caught up to them as they realized they couldn’t answer a single question on their midterm study guides.

By students, I mean me. Well, not just me, but certainly including me. What can I say? Given the choice between watching Netflix in bed or listening to my monotoned, middle-aged professor drone on about the Lukewarm War, the correct choice was evident. In the time that I saved by skipping out on my history class, I was able to watch The Polar Express 94 times!

I needed to do well on this exam, since it was worth 58.43 percent of my final grade. There had to be some way for me to learn all 400 years of American history we’d covered so far in my few days before the exam. My midterm was on Wednesday, and I was screwed.

As I skimmed the Bucknell Message Center Digest to distract from my despair, I came across an interesting advertisement:

“Need help on your finals? Lewisburg High School’s got your back! Email our Principal, Lewie S. Berg, for more details.”

I sent my plea to the unknown address. To my delight, I received a reply within minutes! The message read:

Dear Hayley,
Here at LHS, we strive to challenge our brightest students by exposing them to college-level coursework before they graduate. Unfortunately, we are not equipped with the proper resources to offer such courses in-district. Therefore, we turn to Bucknell students such as yourself to implore that you allow our highest achieving students to take your midterm exams in your place.
By submerging our students into an environment as academically rigorous as Bucknell, we hope to prepare them for a prosperous and seamless transition from high school to university life. Please let me know if this is something you would be interested in!
Lewie S. Berg
LHS Principal

As it turned out, over 30 percent of Bucknell’s students had already signed up for this service. I thought to myself that I may as well sign up, too. After all, if I see others participating in a questionable act, that’s always a good indication that I should do it as well.

I replied to the email, notifying Mr. Berg that my history exam was on the coming Wednesday evening. He explained that I had to pay $20 for an APUSH student, $50 for a Principal’s List scholar, and $100 for a student who scored 1500+ on the SATs. I venmoed him $100 and anxiously awaited my pairing.

Later that evening, I was notified that I had been matched with class valedictorian, Bo Jiden, who specializes in American History. This exam will be a breeze.

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