Bucknell enters its Hot Girl Era

Aaron Chin, Satire Co-Editor

With spring break right around the corner, it’s natural that Bucknell’s students want to have fun and look great while doing it. So, it should come as no surprise that the University has officially entered its “Hot Girl Era.”

During a press conference on Monday, President John Chillaxing Bravman officially declared the week of March 6-10 as “Hot Girl Week.” While sipping a piña colada, wearing Ray-Bans and Birkenstocks and sitting in a Tommy Bahama beach chair, he stated, “I’ve had enough of all the seriousness and stress. We need to start relaxing more and embrace the Hot Girl Era.” Bravman then proceeded to get off stage and drive a moped back to his house while drinking coconut water.

Students and faculty responded to the news with immense satisfaction, as everyone began adopting the Hot Girl mindset. Professors have started to decrease their workloads to give students more time to relax and settle into the new mentality. 

“I’m a professor for the people,” Professor Mim Osa from the sociology department said. Lately, Professor Osa has been doing research on the effects of the Hot Girl Era on students’ mental health. “I firmly believe that the Hot Girl Era has increased the student’s happiness levels all across campus,” he added while drinking a mimosa and reading the latest Colleen Hoover novel.

The Environmental Studies department has also embraced the Hot Girl mindset by transforming the indoor pool at the KLARC into a fully-formed indoor beach, complete with cabanas, sand and clown fish. The students even turned the pool into a saltwater pool to truly get the ocean effect and simulated sunlight by attaching heat lamps to the ceiling.

“We thought that this would be a great idea since we’re all in our Hot Girl Eras right now,” Environmental Studies major Sandy Beech ’24 said while doing a face mask with cucumbers on her eyes and getting a massage from a masseuse. 

But the campus-wide Hot Girl Era would not be complete without the Bostwick Marketplace in on the action. Bostwick has recently changed its menu so that everyone can get their perfect beach body. They got rid of all of the unhealthy food they serve, so now three grains of rice are allowed per student. The caf aux also got an upgrade; they now only play yacht rock and Jimmy Buffet tunes. 

Let’s hope that the University’s Hot Girl Era lasts even beyond spring break! Unfortunately, this seems unlikely since the maintenance staff has already filed several reports against the Environmental Studies department’s indoor beach for the sand being difficult to clean up.

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