Students clean out egg bar, chef gives them live chickens instead

Hayley Leopold, Satire Co-Editor

Everyone knows that Bostwick is renowned for its five-star fine dining. Between the sauté station, V2, and the sandwich bar, it’s no wonder why the lines are always so long: the food is worth waiting for! Of all the exquisite cuisine options, the one that attracts the most customers is the egg bar.

There, students can customize scrambled eggs or a delicious omelet with as many eggs as their hearts desire. They can also choose from various add-ins, including sausage, bacon, unicorn meat, spinach, onions, Hershey kisses and peppers, among others. Up until now, students have basked in eggs-galore. However, the caf is experiencing an egg shortage, largely due to athletes ordering 25-egg scrambles each morning before lifts.

Bostwick finally decided enough was enough when last week, history major Yolkahontas ordered a 34-egg omelet. Yolkahontas ate her entire order, but she was rushed to Geisinger after collapsing to the ground from severe stomach pains.

Bostwick can’t keep up with this demand anymore. With so many students ordering dozens of eggs, the caf is out of their weekly supply after just an hour. To combat this, egg bar chef Gordan Rooster issued the following statement:

“From now on, anyone who orders more than three eggs per day from the egg bar will be given a personal chicken instead. This way, you will be responsible for gathering your own eggs and presenting them to me when you order so that we don’t keep running out.”

Students were appalled by this news. What would they do with their personal chickens during the day? Keep them in their room? Bring them to class? It was this second point that students soon discovered, and they became much more willing to take on the responsibility after this realization. Rather than using the chickens for supplying eggs, Bucknellians began raising their chickens as dorm room pets.

Since everyone knows chickens have severe separation anxiety, students have started to bring their chickens with them to class. Professors have been livid ever since their chicken-to-student ratio has exceeded 1:1, with chickens outnumbering students.

Yolkahontas and her roommate brought their chickens, Henrique Egglasias and Chick Jagger, along with them to their music theory lecture. Students were entertained as Yolkahontas graced the class with her rendition of The Chicken Dance rather than her scheduled oral report about ancient African instruments.

Their classmate, Chikira, felt inspired by this visit and brought her three chickens, Obi-Wan Henobi, Chew-Bock-A and Princess Lay-A-Egg along with her to her film analysis course. Needless to say, “Chicken Little” was a hit in class. Bucknell’s janitors have not been as excited, since they are furious with the fecal messes they’ve had to clean the chickens left behind.

Has Rooster’s initiative solved Bostwick’s egg shortage? No, no it has not. However, it has given Bucknellians new fluffy companions. If you can’t cure food insecurity, you may as well cure loneliness!

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