Students enroll in new “Branding Yourself” class

Aaron Chin, Satire Co-Editor

Here at Bucknell, students strive to better themselves; they are especially obsessed with their image and public persona. That’s why next semester, Bucknell is offering a new course called “Brand Management: How to Create a Fake Public Persona to Make People Like You.”

“Your brand isn’t necessarily representative of who you are,” Professor Knott Authentic said. “It’s just an image that you create to make yourself more attractive.”

So, how does the class work? The goal of the course is for students to walk out with a new “brand” for themselves. For example, a student named Jeff created the brand title “Jeff: So Rich That I Own Basically Everything in the World.” A student named Ned also created the brand title “Ned: I Love My Partner.” However, there are some dangers to creating new brands, because it would be horribly insensitive to brand yourself as loving your partner and then be unfaithful to them.

With the internet and social media ever so pervasive in today’s society, it’s no wonder that Bucknell students want to rebrand themselves. To illustrate this, here is the story of a student named Kyle:

Kyle lives off campus in a downtown apartment, but his friends all live on campus. Every day, Kyle used to have game time after class with his friends. However, ever since John Bravman and his wife moved into the house next door to him to get away from the press and have some privacy, Kyle has not been able to make game time with his friends.

“They make so much noise so late into the night,” Kyle said. “I can’t sleep, and so after class, I just immediately go to bed and miss game time. I can’t even get homework done.”

Fearing that his friends no longer liked him, Kyle decided to enroll in the new Brand Management class, and discovered his brand “Kyle: Truthful, Honest, Direct.” In an effort to honor his brand, Kyle tried to reason with Bravman.

Bravman’s desire for privacy was obvious in retrospect, as there have been reports of banners draped across Bravman’s house with “WE WANT PRIVACY” printed on them in all caps.

“Yeah, I really should have picked that up,” said Kyle.

“I was just so tired of the press showing up to my mansion every day asking me to sign my book called ‘I Want Privacy,’ ” Bravman told us after finishing his worldwide “I Want Privacy” Book Tour. “But I guess I went wrong in branding myself as a private guy and then not living a private life, which is why I also decided to take the new Brand Management class.”

And the class has worked out well for Bravman, as he has now emerged with a brand that represents who he truly is: “Bravman: Just Trying My Best.”

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