Students panic as lab monkeys form union one week before exam

Nick Maggi, Contributing Writer

Lab monkeys, stray cats, Bucknell squirrels…what do these things have in common? They are all wild animals that live on Bucknell’s campus. However, unlike the stray cats and the squirrels, lab monkeys are kept in cages and are used for student research. Up until recently, these monkeys were docile. But, after participating in a student’s invasive independent study nicknamed “DK Ultra,” tensions rose and the monkeys went on strike. They have even hired a lawyer to help in their fight for independence.

Jacob Geronimo has offered to serve as the monkeys’ lawyer and has made a statement about his decision, saying, “These monkeys have been exploited through violent experiments that sacrifice their safety to raise students’ GPAs. I will represent every monkey I see from chimpan ‘A’ to chimpanzee.”

The group of unionized monkeys, nicknamed “Monkey see monkey want to do,” has made multiple demands in their fight for rights on campus. For starters, they want to be paid the Pennsylvania minimum wage, which is two elfbars and a Josh Shapiro “Good Job!” sticker. They have also asked for a retirement plan and adequate health insurance. In addition, they requested  that a monkey be accepted into Bucknell. I asked for an interview with the inquisitive ape, named “George,” and was able to arrange one after bribing him with a Flyson Chicken and Waffle sandwich. Here is how it went:

Me: It is so nice to finally meet you!

George: Pleasure is all mine. Also, that Chicken and Waffle sandwich is a gamechanger.

Me: Hits every time.

George: The guy who came up with that should get a raise from minimum wage to Pennsylvania’s living wage of three mega-million lottery tickets and a John Fetterman “Dr. Oz is My Son!” pin.

Me: Speaking of food, are you a banana supporter?

George: I only indulge on the weekends. Addiction runs in my family.

Me: Ah I see, so why do you want to come to Bucknell?

George: For one, to make sure my brothers are not exploited. I also want to get a good education so I can become a lawyer and represent my tribe in our fight for equality.

Me: Those all sound like fair reasons to me. Wait, so your name is George? Like Curious George?

George: …

Me: You know, like the show. With the guy with the yellow hat.

George: …

The interview ended as I was pelted with George’s feces for about 10 minutes for being “insensitive.” I thought he would run out of feces but he never did. Overall, I think George would make a great addition to the Freeman College of Management, as the program is lacking diversity in monkey business.

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