Breaking News: The Flyson Flies Away!

Tyler Thrutchley, Contributing Writer

The Flying Bison, highly regarded as the most versatile food joint on campus, is a national treasure among Bucknell’s student population. With its hot-and-ready food that is perfect to take on the run, the Flyson simply does it all. It consistently delivers its product to a diverse group of consumers, whether drunk, sober, or anywhere in between.

On Friday, March 31, though, everything changed.

The night started off normal for Bo Ling Ball ’23. He was carried away by the extravagant festivities of the night, and before he knew it, it was 12:30 AM. The Bison and caf were closed, and he needed a midnight snack. This was the perfect time to make a trip to the Flyson.

Bo ordered the usual: the infamous nacho tots. He joined the 50 other students in the crowd and listened for his order to be called. And he waited. And waited. And waited. Soon enough, satisfied Bucknellians walked away with their food, but Bo found himself the only one still waiting. 

Perplexed, Bo asked the man in the window where his order was, and to his dismay, the worker replied, “sorry kid, we’re all out of food.”

Bo could hardly contain his anger. He gave the side of the Flyson an angry kick and began his back to his dorm.

Right before he ascended the stairs to the quad, a metallic clanking noise filled the air. Bo turned back around to face the Flyson, and was perplexed at the sight of wings sprouting from either side of the truck. Judging from the confusion written all over the workers’ faces, it struck Bo that his careless kick was what set off the contraption. “EVERYBODY OUT!” screamed a panicked worker. 

Bo sprinted back down the hill, but his attempts to save the innocent workers were in vain. The Flyson flew away, and the workers were still inside! With a tumultuous blast, the vehicle rose vertically into the air and rose higher, higher, higher into the stratosphere and showed no signs of coming down. Within seconds, the Flyson was out of sight and the workers’ screams were undetectable.

Horrified, Bo thought, “Did I just do that? Has the Flyson always been able to fly?” A terrible tragedy had just taken place, and a lump formed in the culprit’s throat. He needed to keep this a secret, or else he could be facing some serious jail time. After all, a handful of innocent people just floated away out of sight, and on his watch. The last thing he needed was a person in power to find out about this.

“Would free tuition keep this between you and me?”

Bo spun around. It was John Bravman. He had a remote control in his hand. 

“Why would you…” stammered Bo.

“Do you want the free tuition or not?”

Bo grinned. He didn’t even care about Bravman’s motives for such an evil plan.

“I could really use some nacho tots.”

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