Student Health overwhelmed by number of students seeking cure for Senioritis

Hayley Leopold, Satire Co-Editor

With less than a month left in the semester, students’ motivation to complete schoolwork is dwindling. This apathy for work is always present on campus to some degree. In recent weeks, it has spread in a rampant storm, afflicting students at shockingly high rates. Members of the senior class experience this disease, dubbed “Senioritis,” since their graduation is just around the corner. This is why student health is dumbfounded by the number of Bucknellians from all grades that have rushed into the Graham Building seeking a cure, since the disease has spread from the seniors and affected students from each class. 

The first symptom that students report is known in the medical community as “Silence Syndrome.” As the National Medical Association States, “Silence Syndrome occurs when one turns off their alarm while they are asleep; very common; treatment: 4-6 hours of prescribed missed classes to catch up on sleep.”

Sophomore Ty Heard was diagnosed with Senioritis last Friday, and he displayed clear signs of Silence Syndrome. In a frantic report, he recounted, “I don’t understand what happened. I set my alarm for 8:30 a.m., yet somehow, I kept snoozing it for almost 3 hours and missed my baby bio lecture.” Heard was also treated for a broken arm after his roommate chucked a lamp at him to make him shut the alarm.

Another symptom of Senioritis is severe dry mouth. But, unlike ordinary dry mouth, this kind is referred to as Alcoholplasia. Alcoholplasia is the sensation in which one feels that they have a parched, scratchy throat that is dryer than the Caf’s grilled chicken. In order to satiate the burning sensation, they must drink any alcoholic beverage with an ABV greater than 5 percent. Although Alcoholplasia manifests itself mostly on the weekends, Student Health has treated dozens of students who have reported experiencing it during the school week, even during their regularly scheduled class times.

The final telltale sign of Senioritis is one that can only be detected using complicated neural signal scanning techniques offered at Evangelical. Those who are suspected of having this ailment are shipped off to the hospital on the Bucknell shuttle. This symptom, formally referred to as IADEC’s Disease, has been diagnosed in over 300 students since last week. IADEC’s Disease, or the “I Actually Don’t Even Care Disease,” is the most serious of the Senioritis symptoms. 

Geology major Dudley Dwittle explained what was happening to the doctors, and they knew what was wrong with him right away. He said, “I know that I have a lab today, but I can’t bring myself to go. Rocks just don’t rock like they used to.”

Senioritis is highly contagious, and it’s not to be joked about. Freshmen and seniors alike are experiencing its mind-numbing effects. Be careful, Bucknellians, or you might just be the next one infected.

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