Frats host “Silent Disco” themed super since they’re all cited

Hayley Leopold, Satire Co-Editor

Anyone within a five mile radius of St. Cat on a Saturday can feel the deafening beats emitted by the frats’ speakers. The music, loud enough to vibrate all the sidewalks in Lewisburg, echoes for hours on end and prevents local residents from sleeping in on the weekends. Townies are lenient about the decibel-shattering music. However, after the recent luau-themed Super, townies have had enough.

Longtime Lewisburg native Mow E. shared, “I can deal with the flamingos on my porch. I can even put up with the rascal who shattered my windshield with a coconut. But when I get woken by “Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’” from “Teen Beach Movie,” that’s where I draw the line.”

Mow couldn’t handle the tropical flow, so he called the Union County police and filed a noise complaint. Union’s officers were not used to responding to calls regarding humans, since most of their cases are from the Amish reporting tipped cows. Excited by this turn of events, officers quickly rushed to the frats to investigate.

After writing up three students for public urination, the police declared every fraternity and DU officially cited until further notice since they had, “disrupted town peace and violated official noise regulations.”

What would the students do without Super? Students need the blaring Spotify playlists to soundtrack their binge-drinking. Blacking out is only considered alcoholism if there is no music playing, after all. To combat this, senior Borg Benson came up with a novel idea: Silent Disco Super!

At a silent disco, songs are played through wireless headphones with multiple radio channels that wearers can switch between. “The cops would only know if the frats were throwing if they could hear the music out loud,” Benson said. If music only played through headphones, they’d never know!

Benson’s plan worked seamlessly. Last weekend, sororities pooled together the funds they were saving to build sorority houses to finance hundreds of pairs of headphones for Silent Disco Super. Bucknellians sang, danced and drank blissfully without a sound escaping the frat backyards.

Another benefit of the headphones is that listeners can choose what station they tune in to rather than only being able to listen to whatever the frat brothers queued. Because of this, the dancing was quite the spectacle. In the same yard, some students were doing the YMCA, others were jamming to the Macarena and another group was bopping to Cotton-Eye Joe. Needless to say, students were slamming into each other left and right.

Despite these dance move complications, students had a blast as they partied at the first-ever silent super. Festivities continued until the final procession to the caf after 7 p.m., yet not a single noise complaint was filed.

It seems like Silent Disco Supers will be the norm until the citations expire, so grab a pair of headphones and get your disco on with us next Saturday!

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