Bucknell cancels all finals

Kieran Calderwood, Staff Writer

At last! Bucknell’s administrators have finally realized that their students have enough on their plates and need more free time to do what rich young adults at private universities do. In order to enhance everyone’s mental and emotional health, Bucknell has canceled all finals for the spring semester of 2023.

After the announcement, many professors have been disappointed to notice that instead of shopping for designer clothes during class, their students are booking first-class tickets to places like Cancún, Aruba, Barbados and the Bahamas. But the students aren’t the only ones making moves. When Professor Burner of the philosophy department realized that he would not be obliged to write or grade any final exams, he booked the first available flight to Vegas. Fortunately, the first and last flight from Harrisburg to Vegas was leaving the very next day.

It’s well known that everything that goes wrong on this campus can be blamed on Bucknell Student Government. But if something actually goes right, should they get the credit? Of course not! They can’t do anything right. The credit must go to the man behind the curtain—the Wizard of Odd, if you will: the one and only Brent Papson!

That’s right, folks, Pappy Brent fought long and hard to earn us an extra 10 days of summer. After countless years in the private education system, Brent has been able to discern something that not many people have figured out: We are not here to learn. We’re here to party for four years, get a job at a business that has a party culture, meet someone who loves to party as much as we do, have kids that will grow up to yearn for more parties and send them out into the world to let the party cycle roll on.

As I write this from my jetBlue economy seat, I see a man who literally rises head and shoulders above the other passengers in the first-class seats ten rows in front of me. He has to be at least 7’2”—much too tall to rest his head on the normal-sized headrest.  It’s either an NBA vet or…he turns his head….

It’s President Johnny Bravo. Looks like we’re both headed to Jamaica.

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