Luckey Charms: Things To Expect on Homecoming Weekend

Will Luckey

Contributing Writer

We have a saying in my family: “Don’t spare the old homestead, mother. Burn the f#@%ing place.” It means don’t be a nostalgic wuss. But it’s always good to come home, and I am definitely excited to see the alumni coming back to campus for homecoming. This is just a taste of what you can expect this weekend:

  • You have a chance to catch up with some old friends
  • Maybe you will go golfing with some of them
  • You get to ogle that senior broad from your first-year econ class once more
  • Maybe she will notice how much you have changed since then and finally talk to you
  • But no …
  • Oh screw her, she doesn’t look that great anyway
  • You will be shown between six and 10 business cards
  • You will hear all about how awful the “real world” is
  • You will learn that wearing a tie during the week does not necessarily make you more mature
  • Even though they might think they are royalty; showing up with their high-finagled finance talk, fountain pens, court jesters, dressed all frilly and powdered up
  • They might refer to you as peasants, and you absolutely cannot look them in the eye
  • Sometimes they even claim prima-nocta on first-year girls
  • They might barge into their old first-year room and claim “Noble Dominion” over your Vladimir
  • They will break all of your windows–and anything you thought was safe, really
  • You will learn what French-cuffs are, and how “the point of a wife is to help you put them on”
  • Friday night your girlfriend will sleep with an alumni (but it’s okay, they had a thing when she was a sophomore and he was senior)
  • On Saturday you try to cry a little about last night in private, a nice alumni sees and lets you dry your eyes with his $90 Brooks Brothers pocket square
  • Now the guy who slept with your girlfriend slaps you with a white glove, and you have to duel him with pistols at the Super Saturday for her honor
  • It turns out 17th Century flintlocks are harder to work than you think.
  • But he brings you a Yuengling while you’re being bandaged up, and then takes you out to Skeeter’s in his leased BMW.
  • You talk about his job and he connects with you on LinkedIn, vaguely mentioning an internship
  • I guess despite the fact that they take to our campus like the Visigoths on Rome, the alumni are fun
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