My New Year’s Resolutions

I know January is almost over, and these may be a little late, but I guess some editors live by the motto: “What the hell, let’s just take a month off, people don’t need the news or anything.” Here are my aspirations for 2014:

• Reclaim all of my jackets I lost at downtown parties, you thieving rats
• Stop saying, “Well it’s about time!” when people tell me their resolutions to lose weight
• Get a cool nickname like “Jack knife” or “Shooga-man”
• Loose the nickname “Donkey brains”
• Stop promising orphans I’ll adopt them if they follow me on Instagram
• Give Lisa Lapp a ticket and tell her “Hey, I don’t make the rules” when she complains
• Convince everyone the Southern Comfort section in the Bison was my idea
• Get rid of the stray cats by luring them into the Susquehanna River like St. Patrick
• Subsequently plead guilty for hundreds of counts of animal cruelty
• Make “have at it, hoss” my new saying
• Convince people the video of Rob Ford smoking crack was just me in a fat-suit
• Protest the Sochi Olympics because “Sochi” sounds like a city full of fairies
• Be more honest when taking online quizzes
• Give up stop signs for Lent
• Not get scammed again by Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes filled with spiders–turns out they were just homeless people
• Last year, I sold a bunch of sixth graders bags of oregano for $40 a gram; might jack those prices up this year
• Stop calling Judy Mickanis at 3 a.m. begging/threatening her to bring back House Party … I guess she has no power over that
• Start scalping tickets to basketball games
• Last summer, I hit a deer with my car and just threw the carcass in a dumpster, so maybe be more respectful to animals?
• Talk about how much I can’t wait to go to spring concert, then bail out at the last second
• Apologize to the Harry Potter House for casting the Cruciatus Curse against all of them
• Convince my parents that conduct points go up to 100
• Stop saying, “I know you are but what am I?” when the Dean tells me I’m no longer welcome at the University