Luckey Charms

Will Luckey, Columnist

My New Year’s Resolutions

I know January is almost over, and these may be a little late, but I guess some editors live by the motto: “What the hell, let’s just take a month off, people don’t need the news or anything.” Here are my aspirations for 2014:

  • Reclaim all of my jackets I lost at downtown parties, you thieving rats
  • Stop saying, “Well it’s about time!” when people tell me their resolutions to lose weight
  • Get a cool nickname like “Jack knife” or “Shooga-man”
  • Loose the nickname “Donkey brains”
  • Stop promising orphans I’ll adopt them if they follow me on Instagram
  • Give Lisa Lapp a ticket and tell her “Hey, I don’t make the rules” when she complains
  • Convince everyone the Southern Comfort section in the Bison was my idea
  • Get rid of the stray cats by luring them into the Susquehanna River like St. Patrick
  • Subsequently plead guilty for hundreds of counts of animal cruelty
  • Make “have at it, hoss” my new saying
  • Convince people the video of Rob Ford smoking crack was just me in a fat-suit
  • Protest the Sochi Olympics because “Sochi” sounds like a city full of fairies
  • Be more honest when taking online quizzes
  • Give up stop signs for Lent
  • Not get scammed again by Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes filled with spiders–turns out they were just homeless people
  • Last year, I sold a bunch of sixth graders bags of oregano for $40 a gram; might jack those prices up this year
  • Stop calling Judy Mickanis at 3 a.m. begging/threatening her to bring back House Party … I guess she has no power over that
  • Start scalping tickets to basketball games
  • Last summer, I hit a deer with my car and just threw the carcass in a dumpster, so maybe be more respectful to animals?
  • Talk about how much I can’t wait to go to spring concert, then bail out at the last second
  • Apologize to the Harry Potter House for casting the Cruciatus Curse against all of them
  • Convince my parents that conduct points go up to 100
  • Stop saying, “I know you are but what am I?” when the Dean tells me I’m no longer welcome at the University
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