Students discover weekly newspaper after seeing reports of decapitation

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

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Students have begun reading what is reported to be the University’s only student-run newspaper. It is rumored that many of these students were unaware the newspaper existed until recently, when the paper reported on a decapitation that occurred while filming a sorority recruitment video.

“My friend Leslie was holding this really big grey-white paper with pictures in the library the other day,” Lauren Malcolm3 ’19 said. “She told me she heard from some girl in her history class that it was the school’s newspaper and she decided to read it.”

Malcolm3 was uninterested in the paper at first, but when her friend mentioned the article about a sorority girl’s decapitation, Malcolm3 was suddenly intrigued.

“I was totally hooked,” Malcolm3 said. “A decapitation on this campus! Crazy! I’m so glad we have a weekly paper to report on things like this.”

When asked whether she would read the paper again, Malcolm3 said she might. She didn’t “want to commit or anything,” but if something big happens again, she will definitely take a look at the newspaper.

Another student, Barry Bucknell ’20, reportedly read the newspaper for a class once but had no idea it was a weekly thing.

“Yeah, I knew there was something because we read it in my Intro to Journalism class, but I really thought it only came out once a year–or maybe once a semester. I can’t really remember. Imagine my surprise when I learned I could read it every Friday,” Bucknell said.

The newspaper is rumored to be trying out a few new things this semester to get students to actually read it.

This is a developing story–check back later in the semester to see how the newspaper is faring.

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