Alumni realize the sad states of their lives upon visiting campus for Homecoming


Samantha Nolle, Staff Writer

Overwhelmed by the powerful grip of nostalgia and the cruelty of life outside the bubble, alumni visiting campus for this year’s Homecoming Weekend were once again reminded of just how far their lives had degenerated since graduation.

W. Ash Dup ’75 discreetly wiped away a tear as he surveyed the sights and smells of the Bostwick Marketplace.

“I forgot how nice it is to have someone else cook for you. For the past 41 years, I’ve been living off instant oatmeal and whatever scraps I can find from my neighbors’ trash cans. You kids don’t know how good you’ve got it here,” Dup said.

Ness Talgia ’82 and A. Lone ’67 expressed similar sentiments.

“I haven’t seen a tree since graduation, actually,” Talgia said as she tenderly caressed the potted shrubs above Freas Hall. “There’s just so many plants on this campus. I hope you all realize that in the real world, you could go for weeks without seeing another life form,” Talgia said.

“Yeah, actually, I haven’t seen another human being since I left here,” Lone said as he tearfully observed students interacting on the Engineering Quad. “I ended up making friends with the rodent colony in my basement. We’re starting a frat soon. Or should I say fRAT. Ha ha ha. I’m so lonely,” Lone said.

As of the time of this article’s publication, all three alumni were seen embracing campus squirrels as if they were therapy dogs.

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