University to implement ‘cell phone lanes’ for students who walk and text

Hannah Paton, Staff Writer

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After a series of dangerous collisions between students staring at their phones while walking, the University has decided it is time to take action. Rather than opt for the health-beneficial bike lanes, the University will implement “cell phone lanes” so students can comfortably stare down into their palms while moving without the fear of running into a lamppost, faculty member, or another student.

In fact, what excites students most about the lanes is that they will never have to look at their surroundings again, and can spend their time scrolling online rather than conversing with one another.

“Why would I ever actually look where I’m going? I’d much rather use my walking time to take a BuzzFeed quiz about what my preference in sandwich bread says about how and when I’ll die,” Todd Vedder2SW ’18 said.

However, some faculty members are disheartened by the decision. Associate Professor of Psychology Andrea Sojkapavillion openly expressed her dissatisfaction to anyone willing to listen.

“It’s really sad that we’ve come to this. So much happens on this campus every day,” Sojkapavillion said. “Just last week, I saw former President Barack Obama taking a Segway tour of the quad!”

Unfortunately, we were unable to find any witnesses to verify this information because everyone was staring at their phones.

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