University student’s toxic defecation results in evacuation of Bertrand Library

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

Investigative reporting done by The Bucknellian has revealed that the evacuation of Bertrand Library on Feb. 14 was due to a student’s decision to release their bowels in the single-stall bathroom on the first floor. A student employee at the circulation desk is credited with pulling the fire alarm to alert students to evacuate the building.

“That air was toxic,” volunteer firefighter Ron Rooke said. “Five more minutes in that building and a lot of people were going to get very sick.”

School officials are asking that anyone who knows the identity of the person that committed this act to come forward, as they are worried about the health and safety of the individual.

Dean of Health and Body, Benny BostwickMarketplace, heads the committee that is seeking the culprit’s identity.

“We don’t want to persecute them—they won’t get in trouble—we just want to make sure all of their parts are working okay…no one should emit waste that smells that noxious,” BostwickMarketplace said.

Students seem to be overwhelmingly understanding towards the aptly nicknamed “fiery pooper.”

Gertie Graham ’17, who was in the library at the time, expressed her sympathy for the culprit.

“It’s kind of sad,” Graham said, “Poor kid just had to go, and probably thought the ‘poop bathroom’ would be a safe place. Really backfired on them. God, did it smell. Truly the stuff of nightmares.”

She admitted that she is curious to find out who managed to clear not only a room, but an entire five-floor library using their poop.

“Everyone’s trying to guess who did it. I want to find out before I graduate. I have a few suspicions but nothing concrete,” Graham said.

Students with nothing better to do with their time have created the hashtag #findthefierypooper in hopes that the individual will be revealed to the public.

At time of publication, the unknown perpetrator had yet to come forward. Administrators are hopeful but not optimistic that the individual ever will.

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