Panicked second-semester senior joins random clubs in hopes of gaining graduation cords

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

As the University’s Commencement ceremony approaches, seniors are beginning to think about what the inevitable pictures from their special day are going to look like. Some students are excited, knowing that the pictures will positively reflect their experiences. The vast majority of students, however, are beginning to panic as they realize they’re not involved in enough activities and therefore will not have nearly enough cords on the special day.

Some seniors are combating this fear by frantically joining clubs that will provide them with coveted graduation cords.

Mallory Marts ’17 admits that she is really starting to worry about what her graduation day Instagram picture is going to show about her experiences at the University.

“I really need to Instagram that picture, you know, the one where I’m wearing my graduation gown draped on cords. I need to join clubs that are going to give me cords. I just joined the club ski team—they probably give out cords, right?” Marts said.

Other students are less nervous about the picture and more nervous about their parents’ reactions to their lack of involvement.

Victor von Vedder ’17 thinks his parents are going to be disappointed in how he chose to spend his time.

“I’m really worried my parents are going to yell at me if I only have a few cords. But I’m honestly just not that involved in activities that are gonna give me cords. I hope to have five by graduation so it doesn’t look like I wasted $240,000. I think my trivia team is gonna order a cord. So that’s one down,” Vedder said.

This is a developing story. Check back to see how many cords each student actually accrues by Commencement.

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