Interview against humanity


Charles Beers, Satire Co-Editor

We all remember our first few weeks on campus: slowly getting adjusted to University life, bonding with hall mates in our dorms, and realizing that somehow, someway, this place will become our new home away from home. One of the catalysts for these new friendships is the ultimate first-year ice-breaker: Cards Against Humanity.

We asked the students from a randomly selected first-year hall, Vedder four and three quarters, to tell us about their experiences so far as new members of the University family. Four of these students, who we anonymously reference here as Barry, Larry, Harry, and Morgan, agreed to be interviewed, but only on one condition: their responses would emulate the content of the notorious card game, Cards Against Humanity.

This is their story.

Q: What is the most distinctive aspect of college thus far?

B: White people.

L: Puppies!

M: Guys who don’t call.

Harry’s response was deemed unfit for publication. He was removed from the interview immediately.


Q: Describe your current academic schedule.

B: Being on fire.

L: A lifetime of sadness.

M: Steven Hawking talking dirty.


Q: What do you like to do in your time off?

B: Team-building exercises.

L: Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.

M: Licking things to claim them as your own.


Q: What caused you to realize that the University was your new home?

B: Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry.

L: Hot Pockets.

M: Shaquille O’Neal’s acting career.


Q: Describe your highest high and your lowest low since you’ve arrived on campus.

B: Domino’s Oreo Dessert Pizza and actually taking candy from a baby.

L: A clandestine butt scratch and eating the last known bison.

M: Adderall and when you fart and a little bit comes out.


Q: What clubs or extracurricular activities have you joined?

B: Being rich.

L: Grave robbing.

M: Vigilante justice.


Q: If you could invite a guest lecturer to campus, who would it be?

B: Mr. Clean, right behind you.

L: The Little Engine That Could.

M: Glenn Beck convulsively vomiting as a brood of crab spiders hatches in his brain and erupts from his tear ducts.


Q: If you could add one thing to the University, what would it be?

B: Fear itself.

L: Horse meat.

M: Jewish fraternities.

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