Students gain superpowers after viewing eclipse through kaleidoscope glasses

Charles Beers, Satire Co-Editor

Students and faculty gathered across campus on Aug. 21 to bear witness to a truly breath-taking natural phenomenon: a total solar eclipse. That afternoon, the University community observed the moon cover the sun through their field-tested eclipse glasses, appreciating the first recurrence of the solar eclipse in the contiguous United States since 1979.

While many spectators left the event satisfied and smiling, one group of friends claimed they felt nauseous as they walked to their final class of the day. After further investigation, these four students realized very quickly that they had mistakenly purchased and viewed the eclipse through kaleidoscope glasses that enhanced the intensity of the sunlight by nearly 300 percent.

“Staring at the eclipse without protection for just a few seconds can permanently damage your eyes,” astrology expert Dr. Mallory Mars said. “Frankly, I don’t know how these kids still have a pulse.”

After two weeks of silence, the group has finally come forward to announce the effects of wearing kaleidoscope glasses while viewing the eclipse: each student has developed unique abilities never before seen by mankind. Together they have pledged to use their powers to make the campus a better place.

The leader of the team, a first-year who calls himself Pichael, claims he can now quote every single episode of “Rick and Morty” verbatim, down to every last nervous tick and burp. Pichael frequents the Bertrand Library and Seventh Street Cafe, motivating hard-working students with a powerful dose of sarcasm and nihilism.

“I-i-it-i-it-i-i-it’s really hard to get all the … get all the stutters down, you know?” Pichael said. “But I think I’m really making a difference, making a … making a good ol’ … good ol’ positive change.”

Pichael’s right-hand man and the moral compass of the group is Magic 8, a mild-mannered senior who can see the future with 70 percent accuracy. Even though his GPA has skyrocketed several points since the incident, Magic 8 claims he only uses his clairvoyance as a force for good. When asked about whether he believes tuition will rise dramatically in the coming years, he had this to say: “Better not tell you now.”

The emotional core of the squad of students is Lawasha. By the power of Hygeia, the goddess of cleanliness, she can stop a washing machine once you inevitably hit the wrong heat setting or forget to actually fill the machine with detergent, which inevitably rompts a half-hour wait and an uncomfortable interaction with the passive-aggressive guy waiting for you to get a move on.

“To those people who leave their clothes in the dryer all day, watch your backs,” Lawasha said.

The final member of the street-level superfriends goes by the name of RA. She claims that after the eclipse, her touch removed all of the alcoholic content from every drink she came into contact with. First-years are panicking as the University’s #3 Party School ranking has steadily plummeted into the double digits.

“Vedder doesn’t know what to do with itself anymore,” RA said. “I think they’re planning on forming a Scrabble league next week.”

Together, the four friends hope to use their newfound abilities to change the University for the better. Only time will tell if they do more harm than good.

“Nothing you do matters!” Pichael screamed at the end of our interview. “Your existence is a lie! Wubba lubba dub dub!”

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