Professor leaves class for five minutes, returns to find Smirnoff Ice in chair

Charles Beers, Satire Co-Editor

What started as a simple trip to the bathroom turned into a game of cat-and-mouse between Professor Albert Cohall and his senior arts seminar on Sept. 4. After leaving his students with their assignments for a brief period, Cohall returned to find an unopened bottle of Smirnoff Ice resting upright in his chair.

“I was absolutely perplexed,” Cohall said. “The students were all cheering loudly at the bottle, screaming ‘Ice!’ and throttling their desks with excitement.”

Cohall, in a state of confused panic, immediately raced to his computer to figure out why the seniors in his class were losing their minds.

“According to Wikipedia, ‘A player hides a bottle for another person to come across. When the iced person touches or discovers it, he/she must drop to one knee and chug the entire Ice. Other players who see the icer hide the Ice are exempt from drinking the ice,’” Cohall said.

Students were dumbfounded when Cohall, without any further provocation, dropped to one knee and downed the entire beverage in one fell swoop. One student, Nathaniel Light, was particularly impressed by Cohall’s feat of strength.

“I timed the whole thing,” Light said, clutching his iPhone to his chest. “Professor killed it in 5.8 seconds. I think he might be my hero.”

Reports say that Cohall has been added to the guest list of several prominent fraternities on campus, and has been invited to give guest lectures on the subtle art of the Ice.

“Professors get remembered,” Cohall said. “But legends never die.”

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