University releases plans to sell personalized iPhone Xs, effective 2018

Charles Beers, Satire Co-Editor

On Sept. 12, the day Apple unveiled its latest revolutionary smartphone to the world, the iPhone X, the University shocked the student body with a reveal of its own. According to officials working behind the scenes to develop the project, a personalized brand of the iPhone X, tentatively titled the “BiSone X,” will be sold on campus as early as spring 2018.

Based on blueprints described by faculty in the computer science department and representatives from Apple, the BiSone X will have features that will be tailored directly for University students.

“I think people will be very excited about the possibilities of this new, horribly-named device,” Mac Linux, a professor of computer science and mobile development on campus, said. “For instance, instead of headphone jacks, the phone comes equipped with a built-in compass that literally drags students directly towards Flyson at any point of the day. Truly worth the $1,500 price tag.”

Some of the most notable design choices for the BiSone X are replacing both cameras with authentic bison horns, increasing the screen size by an extra 10 inches, and replacing the volume control with just two settings: on or off.

“I can’t Snapchat, can’t stick it in my pocket, and can’t play my music in the morning without waking up half of campus,” Lynn Stagram ’21 said. “But hey, at least I can tell people I have the newest one.”

Staff, faculty, and the student body have all responded to the announcement with a mix of skepticism and optimism. Some students in the computer science department have already discussed their plans to develop new apps only possible on the new BiSone X operating system. Ian Pad ’20, a computer science major, was particularly excited about his ideas.

“Our first project will be an app that makes student tours easier for everyone involved,” Pad said. “All a tour guide will have to do is speak into the phone and it will project their voice in a loud, hollow, semi-robotic voice. Kind of like the Terminator, you know? That way everyone, even tour groups of only a few prospective students, will always be able to hear the guide.”

We proceeded to inform Pad of the tour guide headsets already in operation on campus. Pad then proceeded to lock us out of his Breakiron Engineering Building lab room.

The first round of BiSone X models are projected to be sold around campus at the very beginning of the spring 2018 semester. You will be able to find them in the campus bookstore, outside the Elaine Langone Center, and inside random vending machines across campus. The $1,500 fee is only payable by Campus Dollars.

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