Fraternities sign initiative to turn downtown houses into eco-friendly saunas

Charles Beers, Satire Co-Editor

In a joint agreement between the University’s Interfraternity Council (IFC) and the active fraternities on campus, each chapter has pledged to convert their downtown houses into ecologically-friendly saunas for local charities. After several rounds of inspections revealed that the buildings reached upwards of 120 degrees at full capacity, IFC proposed this alternative measure to keep the groups under control while ensuring a steady source of revenue.

According to officials sponsoring the initiative, fraternity members will begin installing steam baths into the main rooms of their houses as early as next week. Complimentary cucumber slices will be donated by Bostwick Marketplace.

“We’re basically breathing in our drinks now,” John Blutarsky ’20, a member of the Delta Tau Chi fraternity living on St. Catherine Street, said. “I would complain, but I have an appointment for a facial in 10.”

While the initiative has received praise from students and faculty alike, the “Spaternity” project has seen its share of detractors. One of the most outspoken critics of the plan is local health and safety advocate Toby Flenderson, who has ordered a preemptive series of investigations into the houses, even though construction has not yet finished.

“I bear no ill will towards these fine young men,” Flenderson said. “But if the Brazilian I am about to receive is not up to code, I promise that the Yelp reviews will be scathing.”

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